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A truly astounding example
of the power of philosophy that shows Pascal to be off 180°, or one can in a well constructed satirical dialogue arrive at the same
place.
http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.mv
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This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed
couple. The man spoke first: |
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John: |
"Hi! I'm John, and this is
Mary." |
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Mary: |
Hi! We're here to invite you
to come kiss Hank's ass with us." |
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Me: |
"Pardon me?! What are you
talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?" |
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John: |
"If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll
give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you." |
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Me: |
"What? Is this some sort of
bizarre mob shake-down?" |
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John: |
"Hank is a billionaire philanthropist.
Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars,
but He can't until you kiss His ass." |
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Me: |
"That doesn't make any sense.
Why..." |
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Mary: |
"Who are you to question Hank's
gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" |
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Me: |
"Well maybe, if it's legit,
but..." |
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John: |
"Then come kiss Hank's ass
with us." |
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Me: |
"Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" |
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Mary: |
"Oh yes, all the time..." |
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Me: |
"And has He given you a million
dollars?" |
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John: |
"Well no. You don't actually
get the money until you leave town." |
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Me: |
"So why don't you just leave
town now?" |
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Mary: |
"You can't leave until Hank
tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you." |
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Me: |
"Do you know anyone who kissed
Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" |
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John: |
"My mother kissed Hank's ass
for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." |
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Me: |
"Haven't you talked to her
since then?" |
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John: |
"Of course not, Hank doesn't
allow it." |
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Me: |
"So what makes you think He'll
actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" |
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Mary: |
"Well, He gives you a little
bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill
on the street." |
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Me: |
"What's that got to do with
Hank?" |
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John: |
"Hank has certain 'connections.'" |
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Me: |
"I'm sorry, but this sounds
like some sort of bizarre con game." |
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John: |
"But it's a million dollars,
can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you." |
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Me: |
"Maybe if I could see Hank,
talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..." |
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Mary: |
"No one sees Hank, no one
talks to Hank." |
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Me: |
"Then how do you kiss His
ass?" |
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John: |
"Sometimes we just blow Him
a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." |
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Me: |
"Who's Karl?" |
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Mary: |
"A friend of ours. He's the
one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." |
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Me: |
"And you just took his word
for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?" |
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John: |
"Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing.
Here's a copy; see for yourself."
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From the desk of Karl
- Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million
dollars when you leave town.
- Use alcohol in moderation.
- Kick the shit out of people who aren't like
you.
- Eat right.
- Hank dictated this list Himself.
- The moon is made of green cheese.
- Everything Hank says is right.
- Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
- Don't use alcohol.
- Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
- Kiss Hank's ass or
He'll kick the shit out of you.
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Me: |
"This appears to be written
on Karl's letterhead." |
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Mary: |
"Hank didn't have any paper." |
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Me: |
"I have a hunch that if we
checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." |
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John: |
"Of course, Hank dictated
it." |
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Me: |
"I thought you said no one
gets to see Hank?" |
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Mary: |
"Not now, but years ago He
would talk to some people." |
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Me: |
"I thought you said He was
a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" |
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Mary: |
"It's what Hank wants, and
Hank's always right." |
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Me: |
"How do you figure that?" |
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Mary: |
"Item 7 says 'Everything Hank
says is right.' That's good enough for me!" |
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Me: |
"Maybe your friend Karl just
made the whole thing up." |
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John: |
"No way! Item 5 says 'Hank
dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash
your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too." |
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Me: |
"But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.'
which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong." |
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John: |
"There's no contradiction
between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure." |
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Me: |
"Scientists have pretty firmly
established that the moon is made of rock..." |
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Mary: |
"But they don't know if the
rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." |
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Me: |
"I'm not really an expert, but I
think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." |
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John: |
"Ha! You just admitted that
scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!" |
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Me: |
"We do?" |
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Mary: |
"Of course we do, Item 7 says
so." |
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Me: |
"You're saying Hank's always
right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the
list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'" |
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John: |
"Now you're getting it! It's
so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." |
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Me: |
"But...oh, never mind. What's
the deal with wieners?" |
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Mary: |
She blushes. |
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John: |
"Wieners, in buns, no condiments.
It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." |
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Me: |
"What if I don't have a bun?" |
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John: |
"No bun, no wiener. A wiener
without a bun is wrong." |
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Me: |
"No relish? No Mustard?" |
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Mary: |
She looks positively stricken. |
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John: |
He's shouting. "There's no
need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!" |
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Me: |
"So a big pile of sauerkraut
with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" |
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Mary: |
Sticks her fingers in her
ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." |
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John: |
"That's disgusting. Only some
sort of evil deviant would eat that..." |
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Me: |
"It's good! I eat it all the
time." |
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Mary: |
She faints. |
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John: |
He catches Mary. "Well, if
I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there,
counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." |
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With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. |
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