"I read this in the paper this morning: New York City has a priest shortage. So you see, there is some good news in the world. ... To give you an idea how bad it is, earlier today in Brooklyn an alter boy had to grope himself."
—David Letterman

"As you've probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to Rome. You know how they got them all to come back? They told them that there was going to be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir."
—Jay Leno

"The Cardinals will be staying at the Domus Sanctae Marthae, the new hotel at the Vatican, where turn down service means the bell boy isn't interested."
—Daily Show host Jon Stewart

"The U.S. Cardinals said they are going to develop a code of ethics to help them deal with the sexual scandal. Wait a minute, I thought their already was a code of ethics, it's called the Bible."
—Jay Leno

"Cardinal Law had difficulty with his memory under oath today. He could only remember three commandments. Under oath, Cardinal Law said 'I do not recall' 43 times. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material."
—David Letterman

"The House Transportation Committee is now considering a bill that would allow pilots to carry guns for protection. I've got a better idea, why not give guns to alter boys, give them a fighting chance."
—Jay Leno

"In Boston, it looks like Cardinal Bernard Law isn't going to be punished. It turns out he's getting transferred to Rome, which is kind of like a promotion. He said today he wanted to thank all the little people."
—Jay Leno

"The Church reaffirming celibacy — it's kind of like Clinton reaffirming monogamy."
—Jay Leno

"The big Vatican summit wrapped up, closing ceremonies were Harry Connick Jr. The Vatican is taking a tough stand now, three strikes and you're transferred."
—David Letterman

"Today the Catholic Church unveiled its new policy. Don't ask, don't confess."
—Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court ruled today that virtual child pornography is legal.

Bad news for the Church, their crime rate will get even higher."
—Jay Leno

"Kids, if you see an ad that says Cardinals looking for a choir boy, watch out, that has nothing to do with music."
—Jay Leno