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Satire on Prison Life--jk

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Negroes execution stats--disparity
Satire on Prison Life--jk
Supreme Court Shields Drug Companies
Campbell's Back in the Can
Campbell's Recent Developments



Soon your ___________________________________ will be returned to society.  Because of the once close relationship, he will be released into your care.  Though he has greatly benefited from prison therapy, he nevertheless will need much support on your part to help him trans­form into a productive, normal citizen.  We provide the below information to aid you in your task of transforming our CLUB FED graduate.  The modification of old habits is a slow process; DRASTIC CHANGES CAUSE ANXJETY.  Kindness, understanding, and patient are essential.


1.       Prepare a small bathroom with cot, small steel locker, small steel desk with small,

steel shelf above it, and one large box under cot marked on the outside Legal Papers. The door will have a window slit of 6 inches by 2 feet and be of solid wood. 


2.       For the first few weeks he will drop whatever he is doing at 3:45 PM and head to his cell. At 3:50 yell, Standup count! and at 4:05, Count clear!  Repeat the same routine at 8:45 PM, and 11:15 PM.  At the 11:15 count, lock him into his room.  Averaging once in 3 counts, yell Repeat Count, count not cleared, and take an extra 5 minutes.


3.       Turn lights on at 5:15 AM, but do not unlock his room until 5:45 AM.


4.       Have in living room a small mailbox nailed to the wall.  Check the outgoing mail nightly to be sure its contents are appropriate, than seal letters.


5.       When mail comes for your felon, slice open across the top the envelope, read, then staple it all together. At 4:30, yell mail call!  Wait a couple of minutes then call out his name, and give him his mail.


6.       Periodically walk through the house jingling a bunch of keys.  Other times yell mono­syllabic words in a threatening tone, slam dominoes on table, slam chair on floor, and like.


7.       No metal, ceramic, or glass, only plastic utensils, cups, etc.  Serve cafeteria style.  Give only one portion.  If he tries taking a second portion, SCREAM, Only one.  Put it back!!!!  Then give him a long hard stare.


8.       Serve powdered, scrambled eggs for half of the breakfasts, the other half is Cream of Wheat; for lunch alternate between bologna, macaroni, hot dogs, and hamburgers; for dinner bake all meat dishes in 6 inches of water.  Be sure to use the maximum amount of cheapest oil in preparing all dishes.


9.       Outside the dining area, when you bring him food, he will give you in exchange either stamps or cigarettes.  Accept them.


10.     Post by phone sign that All calls are monitored.  Give him Approval Form on which he is to list the name, address, and number of each whom he will be calling.


11.     Warn those on list that he will be calling collect.


12.     Supply him a special combination by Master Locks which can also be opened by a master key. 


13.     Your Club Fed graduate is likely to hide markers, tape, glue, Whiteout, scissors, shank in his room.  Periodically search his cell and divest him of those items that can’t be bought at the commissary.  During the search check for surplus bedding, clothes, and reading material and remove surplus: the limit is 5 books, 5 magazines, 2 newspapers, 3 shirts, 3 pants, 5 socks, 5 briefs, 2 sweat pants, 2 sweat shirts, and 2 gym shorts.  No colors; only gray or tan or white.


14.     Don’t be surprised if prior to leaving the house, he hands you his driver’s license.  Ask him where he is going, & either fill out a 3by3 pass form, or give him a 3by5 laminated card marked recreation pass, unit 2-B.  When he returns, demand the pass is turned in.  If he doesn’t have it, fill out form labeled Incident Report.


15.     Keep entry doors locked until move.  Five minutes before the hour yell, Ten minute active move.  At 5 minutes after the hour yell, Moves over, then lock the entry doors.


16.   When taking your dear out to the library, explain that he is not to cut pictures from books or magazines, speak with a stentorian voice, or palm the librarians tape, glue, etc.


17.  Always take him to the same supermarket on the same day of the week, and at its busiest time.  Rehearse the procedure below with the store clerks. 


18.     Beforehand, arrange with clerk to accept list of items, which he is to fill.  No items may be bought that are in a can, a glass jar, or has a metal lid.  The clerk is to adamantly refuse to add new items or to substitute for out of-stock items.


19.     Whenever returning from a visit, your felon will expect to be stripped search.  Be sure to search carefully his clothes, and to tell him to, Lift your nut sack and spread them.


20.     When your felon goes out, make sure he doesn’t wear a coat with a slit in its lining.  When out with him, pay attention to the way he eyes liftable restricted items.


21.     In the late afternoon or when returning home, your felon will place a flimsy folding chair in front of the television, and then drape his shirt over its back.  Don’t touch the shirt!


22.     Your felon watches only splatter films and sports.  If you manage to get the chan­nel changer from him, select the same.


23.     If perchance, he finds you watching Public Broadcasting or the Arts and Entertainment Network, there is, even if you change the station, a 93% chance that he will grumble ep­ithets such as: For faggots! Sucks! Asshole! In your mouth! And there is a 7% chance he will simply flex his muscles, glare, and grab the channel changer.


24.     If you are wishing sexual delight, put on men’s clothing, then say in a gruff voice, Let us take a shower, now.


25. In the shower he will expect you to submit to both oral and anal sex.  Fortunately, he will be quick


26.     Having never looked for employment, he will expect to be handed a job assignment.


27.     Your felon believes that all employees pocket items, charge extra for deluxe service, and also for certain extra work. Collectively this is known as the hustle.


28.     Based upon his prison work experience, steer him to jobs that require mere pres­ence, such as directing traffic at a road construction site.


29.     You should accompany your felon on trips to government offices, just to show him that it isn’t a waste of time.  For years he had been told by staff in prison: (a) too busy, come back tomorrow (the day Mr.-So-And-So is off); (b) it is Mr. So-And-Sos task; (c) were out of forms; (d) I don’t know the answer, Ill find out next week; (e) cant because of regulations; (f) my office is up stair, where the form are; see me there (he’s rarely there).


30. Much worse than the staff are the guards. Thus he will naturally avoid encountering those wearing a uniform--stimulus generalization.


31.     If you feed him beans, warn others.  There were no unoccupied spaces; he is in the habit of easen-them-out.


32.     You may politely make suggestion, but never order or angrily take offense except when acting the role of a guard.  Any con­frontation by an equal will be considered a matter of honor, for which the resolution often is bloody.


33.     He lived in a bathroom, thus he will enter it when occupied; even use the shitter while others are washing up.  Warn others to expect and accept this.


34 He will resist the suggestion of continuing his education or vocational training be­cause he believes that next to nothing will be taught and the class will be baby-sat by a former student. But if you offer schooling as a substitute for work, he will take it.


35.     Remember we learn through socialization, and his has been the federal gladiator school.  Their customs are quite different.  He will consider his customs more valid than yours.  Each society holds on to its traditions, and members seek out likes.


36.     His companions will be those shaped by like experiences, not his old friends.  Thus he will bring home a group of seedy, foul-mouthed criminals.


37.  Don't expect civility; it is offensive to gladiators.  There is an aversion for weakness, civility, and femininity, for they have consistently been negatively reinforced by the prison population.  Be strong and tough, like him.  Don't expect romantic signs, such as roses, curtseys, hugs and kisses.  The cause for the high failure rate of renewed relationships is the failure of the wife to adapt.


38.  Change will come gradually over years, but never completely.  You must adapt and endure; better yet, act like him, for this will promote bonding.


39.     Remember, as every simpleton knows: Chain a dog to a tree and you make him vic­ious. Now that your dear has been freed to live with you, good luck.


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Jurisprudence is a set of rules that promote the equitable & consistent handling of civil and criminal cases.