A PIECE OF PRISON WIT WHICH ROD CAMPBELL HAD MAILED ME, AND WHICH
I FREELY MODIFIED.
Soon your ___________________________________ will be returned to society.Because of the once close relationship, he will be released into your care.Though he has greatly benefited from prison therapy, he nevertheless will need much support on your part to help him
transform into a productive, normal citizen.We provide the below information
to aid you in your task of transforming our CLUB FED graduate.The modification
of old habits is a slow process; DRASTIC CHANGES CAUSE ANXJETY.Kindness, understanding,
and patient are essential.
1.Prepare a small bathroom
with cot, small steel locker, small steel desk with small,
steel shelf above it, and one large box under cot marked on the outside Legal Papers. The door will
have a window slit of 6 inches by 2 feet and be of solid wood.
2.For the first few weeks
he will drop whatever he is doing at and head to his
cell. At yell,
Standup count! and at , Count clear!Repeat the same routine at , and .At the count, lock him into his room.Averaging once in 3 counts, yell Repeat Count, count not cleared, and take an extra 5 minutes.
lights on at , but
do not unlock his room until .
4.Have in living room
a small mailbox nailed to the wall.Check the outgoing mail nightly to be sure
its contents are appropriate, than seal letters.
mail comes for your felon, slice open across the top the envelope, read, then staple it all together. At , yell mail call!Wait a couple of minutes then call out his name, and give him his mail.
6.Periodically walk through
the house jingling a bunch of keys.Other times yell monosyllabic words
in a threatening tone, slam dominoes on table, slam chair on floor, and like.
7.No metal, ceramic,
or glass, only plastic utensils, cups, etc.Serve cafeteria style.Give only one portion.If he tries taking a second portion,
SCREAM, Only one.Put it back!!!!Then give him a long hard stare.
8.Serve powdered, scrambled
eggs for half of the breakfasts, the other half is Cream of Wheat; for lunch alternate between bologna, macaroni, hot dogs,
and hamburgers; for dinner bake all meat dishes in 6 inches of water.Be sure
to use the maximum amount of cheapest oil in preparing all dishes.
9.Outside the dining
area, when you bring him food, he will give you in exchange either stamps or cigarettes.Accept them.
10.Post by phone sign that All calls
are monitored.Give him Approval Form on which he is to list the name, address,
and number of each whom he will be calling.
11.Warn those on list that he will
be calling collect.
12.Supply him a special combination
by Master Locks which can also be opened by a master key.
13.Your Club Fed graduate is likely
to hide markers, tape, glue, Whiteout, scissors, shank in his room.Periodically
search his cell and divest him of those items that can’t be bought at the commissary.During the search check for surplus bedding, clothes, and reading material and remove surplus: the limit is 5 books,
5 magazines, 2 newspapers, 3 shirts, 3 pants, 5 socks, 5 briefs, 2 sweat pants, 2 sweat shirts, and 2 gym shorts.No colors; only gray or tan or white.
14.Don’t be surprised if prior
to leaving the house, he hands you his driver’s license.Ask him where
he is going, & either fill out a 3by3 pass form, or give him a 3by5 laminated card marked recreation pass, unit 2-B.When he returns, demand the pass is turned in.If he doesn’t have it, fill out form labeled Incident Report.
15.Keep entry doors locked until
move.Five minutes before the hour yell, Ten minute active move.At 5 minutes after the hour yell, Movesover, then lock the entry doors.
16.When taking your dear out to the library, explain that he is not to cut pictures from books
or magazines, speak with a stentorian voice, or palm the librarians tape, glue, etc.
17.Always take him to the same supermarket on the
same day of the week, and at its busiest time.Rehearse the procedure below with
the store clerks.
18.Beforehand, arrange with clerk
to accept list of items, which he is to fill.No items may be bought that are
in a can, a glass jar, or has a metal lid.The clerk is to adamantly refuse to
add new items or to substitute for out of-stock items.
19.Whenever returning from a visit,
your felon will expect to be stripped search.Be sure to search carefully his
clothes, and to tell him to, Lift your nut sack and spread them.
20.When your felon goes out, make
sure he doesn’t wear a coat with a slit in its lining.When out with him,
pay attention to the way he eyes liftable restricted items.
21.In the late afternoon or when
returning home, your felon will place a flimsy folding chair in front of the television, and then drape his shirt over its
back.Don’t touch the shirt!
22.Your felon watches only splatter
films and sports.If you manage to get the channel changer from him, select
23. If perchance, he finds you watching
Public Broadcasting or the Arts and Entertainment Network, there is, even if you change the station, a 93% chance that he
will grumble epithets such as: For faggots! Sucks! Asshole! In your mouth! And there is a 7% chance he will simply flex
his muscles, glare, and grab the channel changer.
24.If you are wishing sexual delight,
put on men’s clothing, then say in a gruff voice, Let us take a shower, now.
25. In the shower he will expect you to submit to both oral and anal sex.Fortunately, he will be quick
26.Having never looked for employment,
he will expect to be handed a job assignment.
27.Your felon believes that all
employees pocket items, charge extra for deluxe service, and also for certain extra work. Collectively this is known as
28.Based upon his prison work experience,
steer him to jobs that require mere presence, such as directing traffic at a road construction site.
29.You should accompany your felon
on trips to government offices, just to show him that it isn’t a waste of time.For years he had been told by staff in prison: (a) too busy, come back tomorrow (the day Mr.-So-And-So is off); (b)
it is Mr. So-And-Sos task; (c) were out of forms; (d) I don’t know the answer, Ill find out next week; (e) cant
because of regulations; (f) my office is up stair, where the form are; see me there (he’s rarely there).
30. Much worse than the staff are the guards. Thus he will naturally avoid encountering those wearing
a uniform--stimulus generalization.
31.If youfeed him beans, warn
others. There were no unoccupied spaces; he is in the habit of easen-them-out.
32.You may politely make suggestion,
but never order or angrily take offense except when acting the role of a guard.Any
confrontation by an equal will be considered a matter of honor, for which the resolution often is bloody.
33.He lived in a bathroom, thus he
will enter it when occupied; even use the shitter while others are washing up.Warn
others to expect and accept this.
34 He will resist the suggestion of continuing his education or vocational training because
he believes that next to nothing will be taught and the class will be baby-sat by a former student. But if you offer schooling
as a substitute for work, he will take it.
35.Remember we learn through socialization,
and his has been the federal gladiator school.Their customs are quite different.He will consider his customs more valid than yours.Each society holds on to its traditions, and members seek out likes.
36.His companions will be those shaped
by like experiences, not his old friends.Thus he will bring home a group of
seedy, foul-mouthed criminals.
37.Don't expect civility; it is offensive to gladiators.There is an aversion for weakness, civility, and femininity, for they have consistently
been negatively reinforced by the prison population.Be strong and tough, like
him.Don't expect romantic signs, such as roses, curtseys, hugs and kisses.The cause for the high failure rate of renewed relationships is the failure of the
wife to adapt.
38.Change will come gradually over years, but never
completely.You must adapt and endure; better yet, act like him, for this will
39.Remember, as every simpleton knows:
Chain a dog to a tree and you make him vicious. Now that your dear has been freed to live with you, good luck.
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Jurisprudence is a set of rules that promote the equitable & consistent handling of civil and criminal cases.